Let's just get down to the nitty gritty about the Oscars, why not?
Good
-Slumdog Millionaire came up huge. While some in India claim the plot etc is too cliche, it isn't really in America or the West, as the style is one that is predominant mainly in India. I have a feeling they would love Transporter 3, but alas, here it is same old same old.
Bad
-Nomination introductions for the acting awards. What is up with that? It is supposed to be the person of the opposite gender presents the award the next year. For example, if Heath Ledger were alive, he would present best supporting actress next year. Instead they did this huge elaborate ceremony with five past winners talking about awards and whatever, one for each person. When it came down to it, the only two I was really interested in hearing were Chris Walken for Supporting Actor (from Deer Hunter) and Ben Kingsley for Lead Actor (from Ghandi). Also, why wasn't Ben Kingsley nominated for anything? he was in like 6 movies (cancel out another because of the Love guru, so it's 4).
Bad
-Not only did Sean Penn win best actor, but (of course) he used the opportunity to grandstand on the issue of gay rights. I think he also called Obama gay ("I'm glad we have an elegant man as President"????). I should mention I am not against gay rights, it's just he phrased his whole argument alot like Clooney phrased his argument about the freedom of the press when he won for that forgettable anti-McCarthy movie. I wanted to punch Clooney in the face, and I've never liked Sen. McCarthy. While I would be happy if this man died, his life would forever be eulogized in an Eddie Vedder song, and he would be remembered as a martyr. He's always played an asshole, and that's what he is in real life. -- But what about Spacoli? Spacoli was an asshole, didn't anyone actually watch that movie? The only reason Mr. Hand liked him was 'cos he was an asshole too. Not to mention the Academy passed up an opportunity to give a career award to Frank Langella for a legitamately award worthy performance (so I've heard), likewise with Rourke.
Bad
-Hugh Jassman as host was subpar. This isn't the Tony's. The only semi-redeemable part was where he made Anne Hathaway act as Nixon.
Bad
-That huge musical number in the middle that mixed up a bunch of old oscar winning songs. If there's anything we learned from Moulin Rouge, it's that Baz Luhrman cannot be trusted to remix popular music. Almost entirely spoiled an on-screen appearance from Mean Girls' Seyfreid. Also, I know Beyonce sang "At Last" at the innauguration, and alot of people liked it (except the original performer), but this is the Oscars, not the innauguration.
Good
-Jack Black's presentation was awesome and awe inspiring. But then Kung Fu Panda didn't win anything despite being a far better movie than Wall-E. What is up with that academy?
Bad
-Wall-E won a ton of awards despite being a total piece of ass-crap. Was I the only one who didn't like that movie? And not because of the subliminal messaging throughout (Macs are awesome, Walmart is evil, if we kill the planet we can always come back when we're too fat for gravity to accept our body's movements and the soil is still too toxic for substinance farming). It was a boring movie. Yeah, the visuals were stunning, and yeah, maybe it should win some technical awards. But the movie was just that, an exercise. Besides that it was a boring, slow, plotless, characterless, settingless piece of crap.
Good
-Will Smith's live flub was amazing. I'm not saying that to make fun of him. He recovered awesomely and even let out some "boom goes the dynamite."
Bad
-Bill Mahr presented for best documentary (short then long) and of course had to talk about how awesome his own "documentary" wasn't nominated. A few problems. It wasn't a documentary, and probably wasn't funny enough to be a mockumentary. The premise is interesting but probably not really explored at all. He interviewed complete idiots and led them on with bad questions. No one can give you a definition of how the devil and the anti-christ are separate? Seriously? I can answer that question and I'm not even a church scholar. "The Devil" is a demon, a fallen angel who opposes God, much in the same way Lucifer, Beelzebub, and Satan are (yeah, they're all separate). Because none of them are God, they cannot be as strong or powerful, even when together (though their bickering prevents that). The anti-christ is simply the harbinger of the apocalypse. Fuck you Bill Mahr. Learn about your subject before you decide to condemn it.
Good
-Huge upset in Foreign language film land. I think I actually heard a monocle drop.
Good
-Kate Winslet finally won an oscar after being nominated like 50 times. Well you know what they always say, Nazi/Holocaust films aways win. I guess she gets bonus points for it also pretty much being a skin flick. Who would've thought she could pull off Nazi she-wolf so well?
Good
-Jerry Lewis is finally recognized for something outside of France. The man has been underappreciated for years. In addition to "recent revelations" that Deano was the true genius in Lewis and Martin, he was also held without cameos in both the Nutty Professor and Flubber. The man perfected the wacky scientist before it was even thought of.
Bad
-Yes, I know Peter Gabriel made a poor career choice in singing a song for Wall-E, but he should've at least sung his nominated song instead of that hack, John Legend.
Bad
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was both over-nominated and over-won. Over-winning for this movie includes winning anything, which I think it won one or two only. Also, did anyone see the look on David Fincher's face on the close up during hte presentation of the Director award? "So this is what happens when I take the Machete Dildos out of my movies" Advice, put them back in.
That seems like enough. No comment on the whole Pheonix saga.
--Knuttel
2.24.2009
2.22.2009
Current Happenings of the World
What hell is happening in the 3 straight lines along the Potomac?
Hil-dawg's brand new style of Secretary of Statesmenship is interesting to say the least. On the surface it seems largely to be about image and nice formalities. While it does reach the actual people of other nations, I must wonder about the effect it has on leaders of other nations. It seems alot like the same duties she had in the years 1993-2001. Hopefully she's actually doing some policy work, or maybe that's just going to have to fall into another department's hands, much like Condi Rice held the bulk of the foreign policy duties throughout the Bush 43 years, despite not actually being Secretary of State until his re-election, when Ret. Gen. Colin Powell decided to step down from the post.
On the bright side, she could be the most fashionable Secretary of State since Henry Kissinger.
Let's hope S.o.S will not be a distress call for this administration, for it seems they already have other issues.
Obama is letting Congress run wild. More specifically, he's letting Demo(n)crats in Congress run wild.
If he is really all about bi-partisanship, he will include Republicans (and hopefully one day independents) in his law-making endeavors as more than a simple formality.
Right now we need Obama to strongarm Congress into working together and working for something that everyone can agree on, much in the way LBJ used to. People often credit JFK with the civil rights bill. Wrong. JFK was all talk about it for 3 years, then he got shot in the head. LBJ got it passed, and got Southern Congressmen to vote in favor of it.
Take Control, Barry-O, the office is your's, not Nancy Pelosi's.
Oh, and taking control is a bit more than posting on the interwebs where the money is going. A) few people will check it. B) the people that are going to be most outraged by it are likely already represented by Congressmen that voted against it.
Take a stand.
Coverage on the Oscars later tonight.
-- Knuttel
Hil-dawg's brand new style of Secretary of Statesmenship is interesting to say the least. On the surface it seems largely to be about image and nice formalities. While it does reach the actual people of other nations, I must wonder about the effect it has on leaders of other nations. It seems alot like the same duties she had in the years 1993-2001. Hopefully she's actually doing some policy work, or maybe that's just going to have to fall into another department's hands, much like Condi Rice held the bulk of the foreign policy duties throughout the Bush 43 years, despite not actually being Secretary of State until his re-election, when Ret. Gen. Colin Powell decided to step down from the post.
On the bright side, she could be the most fashionable Secretary of State since Henry Kissinger.
Let's hope S.o.S will not be a distress call for this administration, for it seems they already have other issues.
Obama is letting Congress run wild. More specifically, he's letting Demo(n)crats in Congress run wild.
If he is really all about bi-partisanship, he will include Republicans (and hopefully one day independents) in his law-making endeavors as more than a simple formality.
Right now we need Obama to strongarm Congress into working together and working for something that everyone can agree on, much in the way LBJ used to. People often credit JFK with the civil rights bill. Wrong. JFK was all talk about it for 3 years, then he got shot in the head. LBJ got it passed, and got Southern Congressmen to vote in favor of it.
Take Control, Barry-O, the office is your's, not Nancy Pelosi's.
Oh, and taking control is a bit more than posting on the interwebs where the money is going. A) few people will check it. B) the people that are going to be most outraged by it are likely already represented by Congressmen that voted against it.
Take a stand.
Coverage on the Oscars later tonight.
-- Knuttel
2.17.2009
American President Rankings
As some of you may know, C-Span just created a poll of Greatest American Presidents (of all time, presumably).
Yeah, I know most of you don't watch C-Span (oh, look at me, I have a life), but fortunately I sometimes do. Unfortunately I never really payed attention to how this poll was put together, or who was involved in creating the poll.
In any case, I set out to create my own ranking of Greatest American Presidents of All Time (yeah, see, mine is of all time). In addition, I chose to rank Grover Cleveland only once, and also include the President of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis, and the longest serving (and really only one worth mentioning) President of the Continental Congress, John Hancock.
1.George Washington
-Created the office himself, nothing really compares.
2.Abraham Lincoln
-Kept the country together when it needed it most
3.Franklin Delano Roosevelt
-Saw the country through the Great Depression and most of World War II
4.Lyndon Baines Johnson
-Used great legislative prowess to pass civil rights legislation JFK was too much of a pussy to pass, also got congress to pass the great society somehow
5.Andrew Jackson
-Fiercely held to his beliefs, not matter the cost. only Van Buren got burned. Also the only President ever to not have ANY debt or deficit.
6.Thomas Jefferson
-Enigma of person and President, left the country better than it was. Also landed first post-revolutionary American war victory, in the Barbary Wars -- to the shores of Tripoli, bitches.
7.William Howard Taft
-No President upheld the constitution as much as he.
8.John Adams
-Didn't kill Jefferson, somehow. Carried on Washington's work.
9.Theodore Roosevelt
-First President to take on Corporations, and win.
10.Woodrow Wilson
-Continued anti-trust work of TR and Taft, also saw through WWI and tried patching back together Europe singlehandedly
11.Dick Nixon
-Another enigma of a man, did what he thought was best. Most bi-partisan President of the 20th century.
12.Harry S Truman
-Made some extremely tough decisions that hurt his short term image, but ended WWII and saw through Korea. Maybe MacArthur really was a cunt.
13.James Madison
-Perhaps more known for Secretary of State work, but started the war of 1812. Why shouldn't Canada be ours?
14.Ulysses S Grant
-Tried to continue reconstruction Lincoln's way, but got tied up in corruption and an uncooperative legislature. If he had more political experience, he would probably be higher. Could also out drink any other President, except maybe Bush 43 in his Yale days.
15.James Monroe
-Most known for his eponymous foreign policy doctrine. Was also President during the middle of the "era of good feelings"
16.Grover Cleveland
-Rough style cost him re-election before the country realized it worked, and elected him back.
17.Rutherford B Hayes
-Ended reconstruction, perhaps too soon, but the country had to be whole again sometime.
18.William McKinley
-Without him, we would not have Guantanamo bay. Also took the rest of Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, and Spain's dignity.
19.William Jefferson Clinton
-Had the enormous benefit of an economic boom and started paying back the National debt. However, he also failed to hunt down Osama Bin Ladin, though some say a certain Senate investigation was the reason he was never caught.
20.Dwight S Eisenhower
-Without him, we wouldn't have that antiquated 50's worldwide image of America.
21.Ronald Reagan
-Only President to not fully know that he was actually the President.
22.George HW Bush
-Raised taxes after he said he wouldn't, but I still wouldn't trust Dukakis driving our nation's tanks.
23.Warren G Harding
-Singlehandedly responsible for the Warren Harding thru-hole.
24.John Fitzgerald Kennedy
-Take out the Cuban Missile Crisis, and you have a pretty piss-poor presidency. Lucky for him Kruschev got drunk enough to try it, then sober enough to realize it was dumb.
25.John Quincy Adams
-Narrowly beat Jackson for the Presidency through Congressional tiebreakers. Began setting for the modern two-party system.
26.George W Bush
-Some downs and ups that are going to take more time to fully understand. Don't think he'll be as highly regarded after the fact as Truman, but his star will eventually rise.
27.Calvin Coolidge
-Harding minus the balls (that got him killed). Quiet fellow.
28.John Hancock
-Only Continental President worth mentioning. While duties were mostly titular, oversaw the first two and a half years of the revolutionary war.
29.James K Polk
-Believer of Manifest Destiny who annexed roughly half of the current continental USA. Failure to deal with slave issue in new areas, however, costs him.
30.Gerald Ford
-Pardoned Nixon then let OPEC raise gas prices.
31.Jimmy Carter
-Let OPEC raise gas prices even more, than lost a bunch of hostages, and a puppet government, to Iran.
32.Martin Van Burn
-Tried being Jackson, but failed miserably. The Van Buren boys are not to be messed with though.
33.James A Garfield
-Only President for a few months, but received the first Presidential telephone call.
34.Benjamin Harrison
-Just a stopgap between Grovers Cleveland.
35.William Henry Harrison
-Caught Pneumonia and died roughly a month after his innauguration. Every President below him had a negative effect on the country entirely.
36.Zachary Taylor
-Refused to be nothing more than a party figurehead, unfortunately also refused to live.
37.Franklin Pierce
-Bleeding Kansas
38.Chester A Arthur
-Cog of NY Political machine.
39.Herbert Hoover
-Danced while Rome burned.
40.Millard Fillmore
-Refused to deal with slavery issue at all costs.
41.John Tyler
-So bad he was disowned by his own party. To be fair, Henry Clay was the type of asshole who would try something like that.
42.James Buchanon
-It's sad that doughface here is the only representative from Pennsylvania. Why, Science, WHY?!?!
43.Andrew Johnson
-First President to be impeached. Damnit John Wilkes Boothe, did you ever stop to think you'd be leaving us with him?
44.Jefferson Davis
-The Confederacy had a strong showing for about a year or so, but quickly faded as the war raged on. If the war lasted a few more years, maybe I'd bump him up.
And whatever happenned to Presidential facial hair? I think the last was Taft, with a moustache. Obama, it's time to start growing a Fu Man Chu. You owe the public at least a soul patch.
-- Knuttel
Yeah, I know most of you don't watch C-Span (oh, look at me, I have a life), but fortunately I sometimes do. Unfortunately I never really payed attention to how this poll was put together, or who was involved in creating the poll.
In any case, I set out to create my own ranking of Greatest American Presidents of All Time (yeah, see, mine is of all time). In addition, I chose to rank Grover Cleveland only once, and also include the President of the Confederacy, Jefferson Davis, and the longest serving (and really only one worth mentioning) President of the Continental Congress, John Hancock.
1.George Washington
-Created the office himself, nothing really compares.
2.Abraham Lincoln
-Kept the country together when it needed it most
3.Franklin Delano Roosevelt
-Saw the country through the Great Depression and most of World War II
4.Lyndon Baines Johnson
-Used great legislative prowess to pass civil rights legislation JFK was too much of a pussy to pass, also got congress to pass the great society somehow
5.Andrew Jackson
-Fiercely held to his beliefs, not matter the cost. only Van Buren got burned. Also the only President ever to not have ANY debt or deficit.
6.Thomas Jefferson
-Enigma of person and President, left the country better than it was. Also landed first post-revolutionary American war victory, in the Barbary Wars -- to the shores of Tripoli, bitches.
7.William Howard Taft
-No President upheld the constitution as much as he.
8.John Adams
-Didn't kill Jefferson, somehow. Carried on Washington's work.
9.Theodore Roosevelt
-First President to take on Corporations, and win.
10.Woodrow Wilson
-Continued anti-trust work of TR and Taft, also saw through WWI and tried patching back together Europe singlehandedly
11.Dick Nixon
-Another enigma of a man, did what he thought was best. Most bi-partisan President of the 20th century.
12.Harry S Truman
-Made some extremely tough decisions that hurt his short term image, but ended WWII and saw through Korea. Maybe MacArthur really was a cunt.
13.James Madison
-Perhaps more known for Secretary of State work, but started the war of 1812. Why shouldn't Canada be ours?
14.Ulysses S Grant
-Tried to continue reconstruction Lincoln's way, but got tied up in corruption and an uncooperative legislature. If he had more political experience, he would probably be higher. Could also out drink any other President, except maybe Bush 43 in his Yale days.
15.James Monroe
-Most known for his eponymous foreign policy doctrine. Was also President during the middle of the "era of good feelings"
16.Grover Cleveland
-Rough style cost him re-election before the country realized it worked, and elected him back.
17.Rutherford B Hayes
-Ended reconstruction, perhaps too soon, but the country had to be whole again sometime.
18.William McKinley
-Without him, we would not have Guantanamo bay. Also took the rest of Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Phillipines, and Spain's dignity.
19.William Jefferson Clinton
-Had the enormous benefit of an economic boom and started paying back the National debt. However, he also failed to hunt down Osama Bin Ladin, though some say a certain Senate investigation was the reason he was never caught.
20.Dwight S Eisenhower
-Without him, we wouldn't have that antiquated 50's worldwide image of America.
21.Ronald Reagan
-Only President to not fully know that he was actually the President.
22.George HW Bush
-Raised taxes after he said he wouldn't, but I still wouldn't trust Dukakis driving our nation's tanks.
23.Warren G Harding
-Singlehandedly responsible for the Warren Harding thru-hole.
24.John Fitzgerald Kennedy
-Take out the Cuban Missile Crisis, and you have a pretty piss-poor presidency. Lucky for him Kruschev got drunk enough to try it, then sober enough to realize it was dumb.
25.John Quincy Adams
-Narrowly beat Jackson for the Presidency through Congressional tiebreakers. Began setting for the modern two-party system.
26.George W Bush
-Some downs and ups that are going to take more time to fully understand. Don't think he'll be as highly regarded after the fact as Truman, but his star will eventually rise.
27.Calvin Coolidge
-Harding minus the balls (that got him killed). Quiet fellow.
28.John Hancock
-Only Continental President worth mentioning. While duties were mostly titular, oversaw the first two and a half years of the revolutionary war.
29.James K Polk
-Believer of Manifest Destiny who annexed roughly half of the current continental USA. Failure to deal with slave issue in new areas, however, costs him.
30.Gerald Ford
-Pardoned Nixon then let OPEC raise gas prices.
31.Jimmy Carter
-Let OPEC raise gas prices even more, than lost a bunch of hostages, and a puppet government, to Iran.
32.Martin Van Burn
-Tried being Jackson, but failed miserably. The Van Buren boys are not to be messed with though.
33.James A Garfield
-Only President for a few months, but received the first Presidential telephone call.
34.Benjamin Harrison
-Just a stopgap between Grovers Cleveland.
35.William Henry Harrison
-Caught Pneumonia and died roughly a month after his innauguration. Every President below him had a negative effect on the country entirely.
36.Zachary Taylor
-Refused to be nothing more than a party figurehead, unfortunately also refused to live.
37.Franklin Pierce
-Bleeding Kansas
38.Chester A Arthur
-Cog of NY Political machine.
39.Herbert Hoover
-Danced while Rome burned.
40.Millard Fillmore
-Refused to deal with slavery issue at all costs.
41.John Tyler
-So bad he was disowned by his own party. To be fair, Henry Clay was the type of asshole who would try something like that.
42.James Buchanon
-It's sad that doughface here is the only representative from Pennsylvania. Why, Science, WHY?!?!
43.Andrew Johnson
-First President to be impeached. Damnit John Wilkes Boothe, did you ever stop to think you'd be leaving us with him?
44.Jefferson Davis
-The Confederacy had a strong showing for about a year or so, but quickly faded as the war raged on. If the war lasted a few more years, maybe I'd bump him up.
And whatever happenned to Presidential facial hair? I think the last was Taft, with a moustache. Obama, it's time to start growing a Fu Man Chu. You owe the public at least a soul patch.
-- Knuttel
2.11.2009
Breaking News: Coldplay Sucks More Than We Thought
Apparently Coldplay doesn't even bother to write it's own hit singles anymore.
Yes, that's right, the horribly anti-climactic "Viva la Vida" has been plagiarized from a work done by the great Joe Satriani.
Yes, the Joe Satriani.
While his music has never been very popular in anything remotely mainstream, he has long been a favorite of many musicians, rooted in solid fundamentals and ridiculously technical performances.
He has also been the teacher to just about every relevant guitarist of the past 25 years.
-Kirk Hammet (Metallica)
-Larry "Ler" LaLonde (Primus)
-Steve Vai (solo, David Lee Roth, Frank Zappa)
-Marty Friedman (Megadeth)
-Alex Skolnick (Testament)
-Kevin Cadogan (3rd Eye Blind)
-Rick Hunolt (Exodus)
Plus, he pretty much thinks he's the Silver Surfer; therefore his awesomeness should not be questioned.
The track that Coldplay stole is off Satriani's 2004 Album, Is There Love in Space?, and is called "If I Could Fly".
It's not really enough that they stole one part of the song, which is often passable. They stole the progression and lead from both the verse and the chorus. Just replace Satch's guitar with Chris Martin's whiny vocals.
I could go on and on and on about this, but I'll just show the evidence instead.
Fuck You, Chris Martin
Stop Killing Music
-- Knuttel
Yes, that's right, the horribly anti-climactic "Viva la Vida" has been plagiarized from a work done by the great Joe Satriani.
Yes, the Joe Satriani.
While his music has never been very popular in anything remotely mainstream, he has long been a favorite of many musicians, rooted in solid fundamentals and ridiculously technical performances.
He has also been the teacher to just about every relevant guitarist of the past 25 years.
-Kirk Hammet (Metallica)
-Larry "Ler" LaLonde (Primus)
-Steve Vai (solo, David Lee Roth, Frank Zappa)
-Marty Friedman (Megadeth)
-Alex Skolnick (Testament)
-Kevin Cadogan (3rd Eye Blind)
-Rick Hunolt (Exodus)
Plus, he pretty much thinks he's the Silver Surfer; therefore his awesomeness should not be questioned.
The track that Coldplay stole is off Satriani's 2004 Album, Is There Love in Space?, and is called "If I Could Fly".
It's not really enough that they stole one part of the song, which is often passable. They stole the progression and lead from both the verse and the chorus. Just replace Satch's guitar with Chris Martin's whiny vocals.
I could go on and on and on about this, but I'll just show the evidence instead.
Fuck You, Chris Martin
Stop Killing Music
-- Knuttel
More grammy news
CHRIS BROWN BEAT RIHANNA
or so I've been told ...
actually ... they both lost ... to Robert Plant and Alison Kraus for best pop collaboration with vocals. Chris Brown collaborated with Jordin Sparks, Rihanna with Maroon 5.
Oh, but Chris Brown still beat Rihanna.
And what is up with the stimulus bill?
Did Obama seriously think that handing a blank sheet of paper to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid equals bipartisanship?
His cabinet may be bipartisan, but he's gonna have to learn how to make his legislation more bipartisan. After all, history is going to remember what his legislation and policies were, not how many Republicans held prominent secretary positions -- We remember Bush as sending Colin Powell to the UN to make an ass of himself with faulty intelligence, not Bush as selecting Colin Powell in the first place.
This looks like it's going to be a little shakier than perhaps it should be, but hopefully he eventually finds his bearings.
Hope can die easily.
-- Knuttel
or so I've been told ...
actually ... they both lost ... to Robert Plant and Alison Kraus for best pop collaboration with vocals. Chris Brown collaborated with Jordin Sparks, Rihanna with Maroon 5.
Oh, but Chris Brown still beat Rihanna.
And what is up with the stimulus bill?
Did Obama seriously think that handing a blank sheet of paper to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid equals bipartisanship?
His cabinet may be bipartisan, but he's gonna have to learn how to make his legislation more bipartisan. After all, history is going to remember what his legislation and policies were, not how many Republicans held prominent secretary positions -- We remember Bush as sending Colin Powell to the UN to make an ass of himself with faulty intelligence, not Bush as selecting Colin Powell in the first place.
This looks like it's going to be a little shakier than perhaps it should be, but hopefully he eventually finds his bearings.
Hope can die easily.
-- Knuttel
2.09.2009
The Knuttel's take on the Grammies
Yes, the greatest show in award season finally arrived and told us all what we should have been listening to for the past year, per the requests of the record labels.
Seriously though, the grammies are single-handedly the most corrupt and therefore least trustworthy of all the award shows. It is the largest "pat yourself on the back" show of the entire award season. If I wanted to watch something give themselves a huge blowjob, I'd take a few yoga classes and then videotape myself.
Anyways, I shall do a rundown of every single award, maybe.
Album of the Year: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Hey, look everyone! Robert Plant is still making music! Maybe if we give him an award he'll get Led Zeppelin back together. Who's gonna bring back John Bonham? Or are we just gonna use his son again?
Rap Album: Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
-With all the hype his formulaic Family Guy Simile lyrics have gotten him over the past few years, he had to get it.
Male Pop Vocal Performance: Say - John Mayer
-He's like the next Eric Clapton! Except instead of Eric Clapton circa 1966-1975, he's more Eric Clapton circa 1992-now. Notice that includes that song from Jerry MacGuire that doesn't really use lyrics, but rather clipped dialogue from the movie.
Record of the Year: Please Read The Letter - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-2 awards for Robert Plant, surely he must bring the Led out again!
New Artist: Adele
-White soul singer beats out the J Bros. Well, at least they can still win once they go solo.
Rock Album: Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
-Coldplay, what the hell happenned to you? Those first two albums were amazing, if not at least above average, and ever since then (I'm gonna blame Gwynneth Paltrow), you've become completely hollow epic crap. Good thing the Grammies love stuff that sounds like it could be meaningful.
Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Rich Woman - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Robert Plant again.
Song of the Year: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-I seriously have a huge problem with this song. This song is the definition of anti-climacticism. It has such a huge build-up and then IT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE. I never thought I could get blue balls from a song, but I have a feeling this one could.
Also running for this award was the most pathetic attempt at music I've ever seen, in the form of Jason Mraz. Bastardizing everything he touches, most likely unintentionally, but if this happens to be intentional, then -- my god, what a supervillain we have on our hands.
R&B Album: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
-OMG, like her family totally died last year. Let's give her an award so she'll feel better.
ok, not to feel like a totally awful person, I'll stop that there. But seriously, I watched the Puppy Bowl national anthem over hers, then again I watched the entire Puppy Bowl over the entire super bowl. hmmmm.
Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Rick Rubin
-Dude, he's like totally responsible for Metallica's revival as a REAL METAL BAND. Not a bad argument on the surface, except anything redeemable from that album sounds a bit too much like either Slayer or the Sword. Wait, Slayer, who produced most of Slayer's albums, ... oh yeah ... it was Rick Rubin! Rick Rubin's inability to determine when songs are different strikes again (see Dani California - red hot chili peppers ; Last Dance With Mary Jane - Tom Petty)
Producer of the Year, Classical: David Frost
-I feel as though his last name should be Pendergrast. Don't ask why. Frost seems boring. Pendergrast is boring, but at least seems otherwise.
Female Pop Vocal Performance: Chasing Pavements - Adele
-Just sounds like a trainwreck. It's probably alot like that scottish chick from a few years ago that played something barely resembling early bluesish music while being like a one man band, so people thought it was new and inventive, when it just sucked.
Pop Vocal Album: Rockferry - Duffy
-She's English so she must be good at music. Oh, and her name resembles that of Hilary Duff. Bonus points. Let's give her an award.
Pop Instrumental Performance: I Dreamed There Was No War - Eagles
-I was unaware the Eagles were still making music. I'll have to file this under the Jethro Tull getting the metal grammy file (contrary to popular belief, Jethro Tull is metal, they just weren't relevant for about 10 years).
Pop Instrumental Album: Jingle All the Way - Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
-Bela Fleck, Victor Wooten, and Futureman plus the title of the greatest holiday movie ever? SCORE
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-Like I said before. This song is the definition of anti-climactic. While these guys were never really that poignant, they now have about the same poignancy as Zack Braf. That's right -- none.
Alternative Music Album: In Rainbows - Radiohead
-A mediocre album made by an awesome band running against a weak field. While I don't find it deserving, the others were far less deserving.
Solo Rock Vocal Performance: Gravity - John Mayer
-Solo Rock Vocal. Two of those words I could use to describe John Mayer. One of them I most certainly could not. Take a wild guess which one. Oh, I know. It's solo, cos he has a backing band! no comment.
side comment -- beat out four men clearly living on their past identities and successes. Funny part is I'd consider them all rock. -- Bruce, Eddie vedder, Neil Young, and Paul playing an old Beatles song (presumably without even Ringo).
Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
-Anonymous Indy act beats out AC/DC and the Eagles to prove the grammies are edgy. Bonus points for beating Coldplay's other song and and Radiohead? no. you can't fool me grammies.
Hard Rock Performance: Wax Simulacra - The Mars Volta
-Hard Rock Performance officially means -- how much feedback can you incorporate into a song, mainting that it stays out of key, and still plan on calling it music.
Metal Performance: My Apocalypse - Metallica
-Metallica quickly became irrelevant once they began playing rock instead of metal (though they continued to win metal grammies, cos c'mon, they're metallica) so they decide to simply steal the sounds from metal bands which have been relavent since the release of St. Anger. To those who only listen to Metallica, it sounds awesome and original and like Metallica is back in the game. To everyone else, we just nod our heads in dissappointment. How did Cliff's death seriously hurt the band that much? I mean Jason Newstead and Rob Trujillo are good bassists? Why the hell isn't it working?
Rock Instrumental Performance: Peaches En Regalia - Zappa Plays Zappa
-Ah the Zappa family. When in doubt, give the award to whatever you don't understand.
Rock Song: Girls in Their Summer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
-While I'm not saying Bruce is washed up (far from it actually), clearly his best songwriting days are behind him. Surely there must be some other band to whom we can give this award to. No, we can't even completely fill out the ballot? Hmmm, I geuss we can fill death cab for cutie onto the ballot, make it look nice and full.
Rap Solo Performance: A Milli - Lil Wayne
-seriously a week field this year.
Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: Swagga Like Us - Jay-Z and T.I. featuring Kanye West and Lil Wayne
-Jay-Z, Kanye, AND Lil Wayne? How could we say no?!
Rap/Sung Collaboration: American Boy - Estelle featuring Kanye West
-Kanye is still gonna find a way to complain about not getting enough respect for his work.
Rap Song: Lollipop - Dwayne Carter, Darius Harrison, James Scheffer, Stephen Garrett and Rex Zamor,
-I refuse to recognize this song as existing, so there was no award given out for rap song.
Dance Recording: Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
Electronic Dance Album: Alive 2007 - Daft Punk
-Finally the grammies get it right. Score one for Robot Kind. (there's no sarcasm there whatsoever, Daft Punk is the shit).
Traditional Blues Album: One Kind Favor - B.B. King
-Hey look, BB King put something out, let's give him an award.
Contemporary Blues Album: City That Care Forgot - Dr. John and The Lower 911
-Why didn't John Mayer win?
Contemporary Jazz Album: Randy in Brasil - Randy Brecker
-The Brecker brothers actually aren't that bad, but there's not much to say awesomely about them either.
Jazz Vocal Album: Loverly - Cassandra Wilson
-Hah, Jazz Vocals. Wait, seriously? Jazz doen't have vocals, except maybe scat (yeah, that's right, "what a wonderful world" isn't jazz, woah, I just blew your mind because I halved your knowledge of jazz.)
Jazz Instrumental Solo: BE-BOP - Terence Blanchard
-so in other words, best Jazz.
Jazz Instrumental Album Individual or Group: The New Crystal Silence - Chick Corea and Gary Burton
-I'm curious to know what this has to do with Scientology.
Large Jazz Ensemble Album: Monday Night Live at the Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra
-I'm assumming Monday Night Live is like Monday Night Football for jazz freaks.
Traditional Folk Album: At 89 - Pete Seeger
-Not actually Bob Seger's dad (see, last name spelled differently) but he's still pretty damn old. Old people deserve awards.
Contemporary Folk/Americana Album: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss (Rounder)
-Seriously, when you guys going on tour?
Native American Music Album: Come to Me Great Mystery: Native American Healing Songs - Various Artists)
-Best pan flute solo of the year. keeps the guinea pigs away.
Hawaiian Music Album: Ikena - Tia Carrere and Daniel Ho
-Holy Shit, the hot asian chick from Wayne's World made an album? (yes, that actually is her)
Zydeco or Cajun Music Album - Live at the 2008 New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival - BeauSoleil and Michael Doucet
-Best Zydeco album has to be a live thing at a huge ass impersonal festival?
Engineering Album, Classical: Traditions and Transformations: Sounds of Silk Road Chicago - David Frost, Tom Lazarus and Christopher Willis
-I have no idea what any of that means.
Reggae Album: Jah Is Real - Burning Spear
-Wait, why can't Jason Mraz win this?
Traditional World Music Album: Ilembe: Honoring Shaka Zulu - Ladysmith Black Mambazo
-I have no ill towards Ladysmith Black Mambazo at all. In addition to having the most awesome AND most badass name ever, they pretty much inspired the intro to that one song from the Lion King soundtrack, and we all know how much those 45 seconds rocl.
Contemporary World Music Album: Global Drum Project - Mickey Hart, Zakir Hussain, Sikiru Adepoju and Giovanni Hidalgo
-Global Drum Project? That name wreaks of drum circle-isms. Damnit, why did hippies have to get old enough to give themselves awards? We all know there's only one thing a group of people should do in a circle, and it aint playing the drums.
Compilation Soundtrack Album for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Juno - Various Artists
-Wasn't this movie from like more than a year ago? Oh well, at least Mamma Mia! and Sweeney Todd lost. My god the music from those two movies was awful. Pierce Brosnan should never be allowed to sing ever, and Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct a musical again ever. ... wait. make that Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct again.
Score Soundtrack Album for Motion Television or Other Visual Media: The Dark Knight
-Good soundtrack, so I can't really complain. Just thought the soundtracks of Iron Man and There Will Be Blood were better.
Polka Album: Let the Whole World Sing - Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra
-The music community needs more songs in 2/4 time. seriously.
Classical Album: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
uhhh ok
Song Written for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Down to Earth - WALL-E - Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Musical Show Album: In the Heights - Kurt Deutsch, Alex Lacamoire, Andres Levin, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Joel Moss and Bill Sherman, producers; Lin-Manuel Miranda, composer/lyricist
-Just cos the movie sucked doesn't mean you have to drag everyone else into it.
Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books & Story Telling): An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore) - Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon and Blair Underwood
-Will this thing ever stop getting awards? The funny part -- Al Gore is never gonna get the award he really wants, being the President ...
Musical Album for Children: Here Come the 123s - They Might Be Giants
-So They Might Be Giants is running for an award in a field where they're virtually uncontested? Can't we just give them the award like now?
Spoken Word Album Children: Yes to Running! Bill Harley Live - Bill Harley
-Sadly, for the past 40 years the award went to "nobody defeats the Grimace"
Comedy Album: It's Bad for Ya - George Carlin
-Posthumous award. Need I say more.
Instrumental Composition: The Adventures of Mutt - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - John Williams
-This movie should have been inelgible from winning any awards in anything, cos it failed at life.
Instrumental Arrangement: Define Dancing - WALL-E Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman
-Wait, Peter Gabriel agreed to work on the suck fest that was WALL-E? Everything I know about Genesis (both the band and the book) is now questioned. I might have to call the sledgehammer.
Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s): Here's That Rainy Day, Nan Schwartz
-pat on the back
Engineered Album, Non-Classical: Consolers of the Lonely - Joe Chiccarelli, Vance Powell and Jack White III, engineers
-Why is Jack White still making music? Am I really the only one questioning this? And how is it a supergroup if Jack White is the only one who was in a "super" band beforehand? The rest were either Detroit celebrities among white people or bottom rung indy performers.
Remixed Recording: Electric Feel (Justice Remix) - Justice
-Congratulations. You just got an award for doing what teenagers do to internet memes on youtube and ytmnd.
Surround Sound Album: Mussorgsky: Pictures at an Exhibition; Night on Bald Mountain; Prelude to Khovanshchina - Michael Bishop
-I'm gonna pretend to be offended by that album title.
Opera Recording: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
-Where is this city of Mahogonny? Did it burn? Can I burn it?
Orchestral Performance: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 4 - Bernard Haitink, conductor Chicago Symphony Orchestra
-BEST COVER BAND EVER!!!!
Classical Vocal Performance: Corigliano: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan - Hila Plitmann
-Bob Dylan is classical music now?
Classical Contemporary Composition: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan, - John Corigliano
-Since when? This kind of confuses me.
Short Form Music Video: Pork and Beans - Weezer, Mathew Cullen,
-Actually wasn't a bad video, considering the song sucked. Well it was Weezer, what did you expect? Actually, I just like the fact that it featured Tay Zonday. Now, if they could just get Tay Zonday to replace Rivers Cuomo, wow, I think i just fixed Weezer.
Long Form Music Video: Runnin' Down a Dream - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
-Isn't this song from, like, the 80's? Is this like a 20th anniversary video award? Did it take them 20 years to create a supplemental video for the song?
Recording Package: Death Magnetic - Bruce Duckworth, Sarah Moffat and David Turner
-Why couldn't Napster design the album cover?
Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: "In Rainbows - Stanley Donwood, Mel Maxwell and Christiaan Munro
-Actually this works, really well. It was entirely innovative, and it actually fits under both boxed and special limited edition package.
Album Notes: Kind of Blue: 50th Anniversary Collector's Edition - Francis Davis
-Giving a grammy to an album everyone should already have from 50 years ago? Come on grammies. Put some effor into it.
Historical Album: Art of Field Recording Volume I: Fifty Years of Traditional American Music Documented by Art Rosenbaum - Steven Lance Ledbetter and Art Rosenbaum, compilation producers
-Really? Like you couldn't give it to an album that you've forgotten and skipped over in the name of pleasing the record exec gods? Oh right, this is another way to please those very record exec gods.
And this is why the grammies are magical. They always find a way to screw it up. Oh, and don't think I actually watched them. No, I could never do that. I accidentally walked into the presentation for Best Song and had to try to make sure my dry heaves remained dry. No, I just pulled these awards off the internet from a news site, so if its screwed up, its their fault, not mine -- and no, I did not use wikipedia. I also cut out a bunch of awards, cos Latin has its own Latin grammies, Country is its own predetermined music machine, and I frankly think all modern R&B sounds the same.
Oh, and Best Heavy Metal Record Should have went to The Sword for Gods of the Earth. Or if it just goes out for singular songs, "Fire Lances of the Hyperzephyrians" video below.
--Knuttel
Seriously though, the grammies are single-handedly the most corrupt and therefore least trustworthy of all the award shows. It is the largest "pat yourself on the back" show of the entire award season. If I wanted to watch something give themselves a huge blowjob, I'd take a few yoga classes and then videotape myself.
Anyways, I shall do a rundown of every single award, maybe.
Album of the Year: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Hey, look everyone! Robert Plant is still making music! Maybe if we give him an award he'll get Led Zeppelin back together. Who's gonna bring back John Bonham? Or are we just gonna use his son again?
Rap Album: Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
-With all the hype his formulaic Family Guy Simile lyrics have gotten him over the past few years, he had to get it.
Male Pop Vocal Performance: Say - John Mayer
-He's like the next Eric Clapton! Except instead of Eric Clapton circa 1966-1975, he's more Eric Clapton circa 1992-now. Notice that includes that song from Jerry MacGuire that doesn't really use lyrics, but rather clipped dialogue from the movie.
Record of the Year: Please Read The Letter - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-2 awards for Robert Plant, surely he must bring the Led out again!
New Artist: Adele
-White soul singer beats out the J Bros. Well, at least they can still win once they go solo.
Rock Album: Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
-Coldplay, what the hell happenned to you? Those first two albums were amazing, if not at least above average, and ever since then (I'm gonna blame Gwynneth Paltrow), you've become completely hollow epic crap. Good thing the Grammies love stuff that sounds like it could be meaningful.
Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Rich Woman - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Robert Plant again.
Song of the Year: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-I seriously have a huge problem with this song. This song is the definition of anti-climacticism. It has such a huge build-up and then IT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE. I never thought I could get blue balls from a song, but I have a feeling this one could.
Also running for this award was the most pathetic attempt at music I've ever seen, in the form of Jason Mraz. Bastardizing everything he touches, most likely unintentionally, but if this happens to be intentional, then -- my god, what a supervillain we have on our hands.
R&B Album: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
-OMG, like her family totally died last year. Let's give her an award so she'll feel better.
ok, not to feel like a totally awful person, I'll stop that there. But seriously, I watched the Puppy Bowl national anthem over hers, then again I watched the entire Puppy Bowl over the entire super bowl. hmmmm.
Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Rick Rubin
-Dude, he's like totally responsible for Metallica's revival as a REAL METAL BAND. Not a bad argument on the surface, except anything redeemable from that album sounds a bit too much like either Slayer or the Sword. Wait, Slayer, who produced most of Slayer's albums, ... oh yeah ... it was Rick Rubin! Rick Rubin's inability to determine when songs are different strikes again (see Dani California - red hot chili peppers ; Last Dance With Mary Jane - Tom Petty)
Producer of the Year, Classical: David Frost
-I feel as though his last name should be Pendergrast. Don't ask why. Frost seems boring. Pendergrast is boring, but at least seems otherwise.
Female Pop Vocal Performance: Chasing Pavements - Adele
-Just sounds like a trainwreck. It's probably alot like that scottish chick from a few years ago that played something barely resembling early bluesish music while being like a one man band, so people thought it was new and inventive, when it just sucked.
Pop Vocal Album: Rockferry - Duffy
-She's English so she must be good at music. Oh, and her name resembles that of Hilary Duff. Bonus points. Let's give her an award.
Pop Instrumental Performance: I Dreamed There Was No War - Eagles
-I was unaware the Eagles were still making music. I'll have to file this under the Jethro Tull getting the metal grammy file (contrary to popular belief, Jethro Tull is metal, they just weren't relevant for about 10 years).
Pop Instrumental Album: Jingle All the Way - Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
-Bela Fleck, Victor Wooten, and Futureman plus the title of the greatest holiday movie ever? SCORE
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-Like I said before. This song is the definition of anti-climactic. While these guys were never really that poignant, they now have about the same poignancy as Zack Braf. That's right -- none.
Alternative Music Album: In Rainbows - Radiohead
-A mediocre album made by an awesome band running against a weak field. While I don't find it deserving, the others were far less deserving.
Solo Rock Vocal Performance: Gravity - John Mayer
-Solo Rock Vocal. Two of those words I could use to describe John Mayer. One of them I most certainly could not. Take a wild guess which one. Oh, I know. It's solo, cos he has a backing band! no comment.
side comment -- beat out four men clearly living on their past identities and successes. Funny part is I'd consider them all rock. -- Bruce, Eddie vedder, Neil Young, and Paul playing an old Beatles song (presumably without even Ringo).
Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
-Anonymous Indy act beats out AC/DC and the Eagles to prove the grammies are edgy. Bonus points for beating Coldplay's other song and and Radiohead? no. you can't fool me grammies.
Hard Rock Performance: Wax Simulacra - The Mars Volta
-Hard Rock Performance officially means -- how much feedback can you incorporate into a song, mainting that it stays out of key, and still plan on calling it music.
Metal Performance: My Apocalypse - Metallica
-Metallica quickly became irrelevant once they began playing rock instead of metal (though they continued to win metal grammies, cos c'mon, they're metallica) so they decide to simply steal the sounds from metal bands which have been relavent since the release of St. Anger. To those who only listen to Metallica, it sounds awesome and original and like Metallica is back in the game. To everyone else, we just nod our heads in dissappointment. How did Cliff's death seriously hurt the band that much? I mean Jason Newstead and Rob Trujillo are good bassists? Why the hell isn't it working?
Rock Instrumental Performance: Peaches En Regalia - Zappa Plays Zappa
-Ah the Zappa family. When in doubt, give the award to whatever you don't understand.
Rock Song: Girls in Their Summer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
-While I'm not saying Bruce is washed up (far from it actually), clearly his best songwriting days are behind him. Surely there must be some other band to whom we can give this award to. No, we can't even completely fill out the ballot? Hmmm, I geuss we can fill death cab for cutie onto the ballot, make it look nice and full.
Rap Solo Performance: A Milli - Lil Wayne
-seriously a week field this year.
Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: Swagga Like Us - Jay-Z and T.I. featuring Kanye West and Lil Wayne
-Jay-Z, Kanye, AND Lil Wayne? How could we say no?!
Rap/Sung Collaboration: American Boy - Estelle featuring Kanye West
-Kanye is still gonna find a way to complain about not getting enough respect for his work.
Rap Song: Lollipop - Dwayne Carter, Darius Harrison, James Scheffer, Stephen Garrett and Rex Zamor,
-I refuse to recognize this song as existing, so there was no award given out for rap song.
Dance Recording: Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
Electronic Dance Album: Alive 2007 - Daft Punk
-Finally the grammies get it right. Score one for Robot Kind. (there's no sarcasm there whatsoever, Daft Punk is the shit).
Traditional Blues Album: One Kind Favor - B.B. King
-Hey look, BB King put something out, let's give him an award.
Contemporary Blues Album: City That Care Forgot - Dr. John and The Lower 911
-Why didn't John Mayer win?
Contemporary Jazz Album: Randy in Brasil - Randy Brecker
-The Brecker brothers actually aren't that bad, but there's not much to say awesomely about them either.
Jazz Vocal Album: Loverly - Cassandra Wilson
-Hah, Jazz Vocals. Wait, seriously? Jazz doen't have vocals, except maybe scat (yeah, that's right, "what a wonderful world" isn't jazz, woah, I just blew your mind because I halved your knowledge of jazz.)
Jazz Instrumental Solo: BE-BOP - Terence Blanchard
-so in other words, best Jazz.
Jazz Instrumental Album Individual or Group: The New Crystal Silence - Chick Corea and Gary Burton
-I'm curious to know what this has to do with Scientology.
Large Jazz Ensemble Album: Monday Night Live at the Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra
-I'm assumming Monday Night Live is like Monday Night Football for jazz freaks.
Traditional Folk Album: At 89 - Pete Seeger
-Not actually Bob Seger's dad (see, last name spelled differently) but he's still pretty damn old. Old people deserve awards.
Contemporary Folk/Americana Album: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss (Rounder)
-Seriously, when you guys going on tour?
Native American Music Album: Come to Me Great Mystery: Native American Healing Songs - Various Artists)
-Best pan flute solo of the year. keeps the guinea pigs away.
Hawaiian Music Album: Ikena - Tia Carrere and Daniel Ho
-Holy Shit, the hot asian chick from Wayne's World made an album? (yes, that actually is her)
Zydeco or Cajun Music Album - Live at the 2008 New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival - BeauSoleil and Michael Doucet
-Best Zydeco album has to be a live thing at a huge ass impersonal festival?
Engineering Album, Classical: Traditions and Transformations: Sounds of Silk Road Chicago - David Frost, Tom Lazarus and Christopher Willis
-I have no idea what any of that means.
Reggae Album: Jah Is Real - Burning Spear
-Wait, why can't Jason Mraz win this?
Traditional World Music Album: Ilembe: Honoring Shaka Zulu - Ladysmith Black Mambazo
-I have no ill towards Ladysmith Black Mambazo at all. In addition to having the most awesome AND most badass name ever, they pretty much inspired the intro to that one song from the Lion King soundtrack, and we all know how much those 45 seconds rocl.
Contemporary World Music Album: Global Drum Project - Mickey Hart, Zakir Hussain, Sikiru Adepoju and Giovanni Hidalgo
-Global Drum Project? That name wreaks of drum circle-isms. Damnit, why did hippies have to get old enough to give themselves awards? We all know there's only one thing a group of people should do in a circle, and it aint playing the drums.
Compilation Soundtrack Album for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Juno - Various Artists
-Wasn't this movie from like more than a year ago? Oh well, at least Mamma Mia! and Sweeney Todd lost. My god the music from those two movies was awful. Pierce Brosnan should never be allowed to sing ever, and Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct a musical again ever. ... wait. make that Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct again.
Score Soundtrack Album for Motion Television or Other Visual Media: The Dark Knight
-Good soundtrack, so I can't really complain. Just thought the soundtracks of Iron Man and There Will Be Blood were better.
Polka Album: Let the Whole World Sing - Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra
-The music community needs more songs in 2/4 time. seriously.
Classical Album: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
uhhh ok
Song Written for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Down to Earth - WALL-E - Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Musical Show Album: In the Heights - Kurt Deutsch, Alex Lacamoire, Andres Levin, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Joel Moss and Bill Sherman, producers; Lin-Manuel Miranda, composer/lyricist
-Just cos the movie sucked doesn't mean you have to drag everyone else into it.
Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books & Story Telling): An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore) - Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon and Blair Underwood
-Will this thing ever stop getting awards? The funny part -- Al Gore is never gonna get the award he really wants, being the President ...
Musical Album for Children: Here Come the 123s - They Might Be Giants
-So They Might Be Giants is running for an award in a field where they're virtually uncontested? Can't we just give them the award like now?
Spoken Word Album Children: Yes to Running! Bill Harley Live - Bill Harley
-Sadly, for the past 40 years the award went to "nobody defeats the Grimace"
Comedy Album: It's Bad for Ya - George Carlin
-Posthumous award. Need I say more.
Instrumental Composition: The Adventures of Mutt - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - John Williams
-This movie should have been inelgible from winning any awards in anything, cos it failed at life.
Instrumental Arrangement: Define Dancing - WALL-E Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman
-Wait, Peter Gabriel agreed to work on the suck fest that was WALL-E? Everything I know about Genesis (both the band and the book) is now questioned. I might have to call the sledgehammer.
Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s): Here's That Rainy Day, Nan Schwartz
-pat on the back
Engineered Album, Non-Classical: Consolers of the Lonely - Joe Chiccarelli, Vance Powell and Jack White III, engineers
-Why is Jack White still making music? Am I really the only one questioning this? And how is it a supergroup if Jack White is the only one who was in a "super" band beforehand? The rest were either Detroit celebrities among white people or bottom rung indy performers.
Remixed Recording: Electric Feel (Justice Remix) - Justice
-Congratulations. You just got an award for doing what teenagers do to internet memes on youtube and ytmnd.
Surround Sound Album: Mussorgsky: Pictures at an Exhibition; Night on Bald Mountain; Prelude to Khovanshchina - Michael Bishop
-I'm gonna pretend to be offended by that album title.
Opera Recording: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
-Where is this city of Mahogonny? Did it burn? Can I burn it?
Orchestral Performance: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 4 - Bernard Haitink, conductor Chicago Symphony Orchestra
-BEST COVER BAND EVER!!!!
Classical Vocal Performance: Corigliano: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan - Hila Plitmann
-Bob Dylan is classical music now?
Classical Contemporary Composition: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan, - John Corigliano
-Since when? This kind of confuses me.
Short Form Music Video: Pork and Beans - Weezer, Mathew Cullen,
-Actually wasn't a bad video, considering the song sucked. Well it was Weezer, what did you expect? Actually, I just like the fact that it featured Tay Zonday. Now, if they could just get Tay Zonday to replace Rivers Cuomo, wow, I think i just fixed Weezer.
Long Form Music Video: Runnin' Down a Dream - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
-Isn't this song from, like, the 80's? Is this like a 20th anniversary video award? Did it take them 20 years to create a supplemental video for the song?
Recording Package: Death Magnetic - Bruce Duckworth, Sarah Moffat and David Turner
-Why couldn't Napster design the album cover?
Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: "In Rainbows - Stanley Donwood, Mel Maxwell and Christiaan Munro
-Actually this works, really well. It was entirely innovative, and it actually fits under both boxed and special limited edition package.
Album Notes: Kind of Blue: 50th Anniversary Collector's Edition - Francis Davis
-Giving a grammy to an album everyone should already have from 50 years ago? Come on grammies. Put some effor into it.
Historical Album: Art of Field Recording Volume I: Fifty Years of Traditional American Music Documented by Art Rosenbaum - Steven Lance Ledbetter and Art Rosenbaum, compilation producers
-Really? Like you couldn't give it to an album that you've forgotten and skipped over in the name of pleasing the record exec gods? Oh right, this is another way to please those very record exec gods.
And this is why the grammies are magical. They always find a way to screw it up. Oh, and don't think I actually watched them. No, I could never do that. I accidentally walked into the presentation for Best Song and had to try to make sure my dry heaves remained dry. No, I just pulled these awards off the internet from a news site, so if its screwed up, its their fault, not mine -- and no, I did not use wikipedia. I also cut out a bunch of awards, cos Latin has its own Latin grammies, Country is its own predetermined music machine, and I frankly think all modern R&B sounds the same.
Oh, and Best Heavy Metal Record Should have went to The Sword for Gods of the Earth. Or if it just goes out for singular songs, "Fire Lances of the Hyperzephyrians" video below.
--Knuttel
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