The Knuttel's take on the Grammies

Yes, the greatest show in award season finally arrived and told us all what we should have been listening to for the past year, per the requests of the record labels.

Seriously though, the grammies are single-handedly the most corrupt and therefore least trustworthy of all the award shows. It is the largest "pat yourself on the back" show of the entire award season. If I wanted to watch something give themselves a huge blowjob, I'd take a few yoga classes and then videotape myself.

Anyways, I shall do a rundown of every single award, maybe.


Album of the Year: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Hey, look everyone! Robert Plant is still making music! Maybe if we give him an award he'll get Led Zeppelin back together. Who's gonna bring back John Bonham? Or are we just gonna use his son again?

Rap Album: Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
-With all the hype his formulaic Family Guy Simile lyrics have gotten him over the past few years, he had to get it.

Male Pop Vocal Performance: Say - John Mayer
-He's like the next Eric Clapton! Except instead of Eric Clapton circa 1966-1975, he's more Eric Clapton circa 1992-now. Notice that includes that song from Jerry MacGuire that doesn't really use lyrics, but rather clipped dialogue from the movie.

Record of the Year: Please Read The Letter - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-2 awards for Robert Plant, surely he must bring the Led out again!

New Artist: Adele
-White soul singer beats out the J Bros. Well, at least they can still win once they go solo.

Rock Album: Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
-Coldplay, what the hell happenned to you? Those first two albums were amazing, if not at least above average, and ever since then (I'm gonna blame Gwynneth Paltrow), you've become completely hollow epic crap. Good thing the Grammies love stuff that sounds like it could be meaningful.

Pop Collaboration With Vocals: Rich Woman - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
-Robert Plant again.

Song of the Year: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-I seriously have a huge problem with this song. This song is the definition of anti-climacticism. It has such a huge build-up and then IT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE. I never thought I could get blue balls from a song, but I have a feeling this one could.
Also running for this award was the most pathetic attempt at music I've ever seen, in the form of Jason Mraz. Bastardizing everything he touches, most likely unintentionally, but if this happens to be intentional, then -- my god, what a supervillain we have on our hands.

R&B Album: Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
-OMG, like her family totally died last year. Let's give her an award so she'll feel better.
ok, not to feel like a totally awful person, I'll stop that there. But seriously, I watched the Puppy Bowl national anthem over hers, then again I watched the entire Puppy Bowl over the entire super bowl. hmmmm.

Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Rick Rubin
-Dude, he's like totally responsible for Metallica's revival as a REAL METAL BAND. Not a bad argument on the surface, except anything redeemable from that album sounds a bit too much like either Slayer or the Sword. Wait, Slayer, who produced most of Slayer's albums, ... oh yeah ... it was Rick Rubin! Rick Rubin's inability to determine when songs are different strikes again (see Dani California - red hot chili peppers ; Last Dance With Mary Jane - Tom Petty)

Producer of the Year, Classical: David Frost
-I feel as though his last name should be Pendergrast. Don't ask why. Frost seems boring. Pendergrast is boring, but at least seems otherwise.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: Chasing Pavements - Adele
-Just sounds like a trainwreck. It's probably alot like that scottish chick from a few years ago that played something barely resembling early bluesish music while being like a one man band, so people thought it was new and inventive, when it just sucked.

Pop Vocal Album: Rockferry - Duffy
-She's English so she must be good at music. Oh, and her name resembles that of Hilary Duff. Bonus points. Let's give her an award.

Pop Instrumental Performance: I Dreamed There Was No War - Eagles
-I was unaware the Eagles were still making music. I'll have to file this under the Jethro Tull getting the metal grammy file (contrary to popular belief, Jethro Tull is metal, they just weren't relevant for about 10 years).

Pop Instrumental Album: Jingle All the Way - Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
-Bela Fleck, Victor Wooten, and Futureman plus the title of the greatest holiday movie ever? SCORE

Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Viva La Vida - Coldplay
-Like I said before. This song is the definition of anti-climactic. While these guys were never really that poignant, they now have about the same poignancy as Zack Braf. That's right -- none.

Alternative Music Album: In Rainbows - Radiohead
-A mediocre album made by an awesome band running against a weak field. While I don't find it deserving, the others were far less deserving.

Solo Rock Vocal Performance: Gravity - John Mayer
-Solo Rock Vocal. Two of those words I could use to describe John Mayer. One of them I most certainly could not. Take a wild guess which one. Oh, I know. It's solo, cos he has a backing band! no comment.
side comment -- beat out four men clearly living on their past identities and successes. Funny part is I'd consider them all rock. -- Bruce, Eddie vedder, Neil Young, and Paul playing an old Beatles song (presumably without even Ringo).

Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals: Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
-Anonymous Indy act beats out AC/DC and the Eagles to prove the grammies are edgy. Bonus points for beating Coldplay's other song and and Radiohead? no. you can't fool me grammies.

Hard Rock Performance: Wax Simulacra - The Mars Volta
-Hard Rock Performance officially means -- how much feedback can you incorporate into a song, mainting that it stays out of key, and still plan on calling it music.

Metal Performance: My Apocalypse - Metallica
-Metallica quickly became irrelevant once they began playing rock instead of metal (though they continued to win metal grammies, cos c'mon, they're metallica) so they decide to simply steal the sounds from metal bands which have been relavent since the release of St. Anger. To those who only listen to Metallica, it sounds awesome and original and like Metallica is back in the game. To everyone else, we just nod our heads in dissappointment. How did Cliff's death seriously hurt the band that much? I mean Jason Newstead and Rob Trujillo are good bassists? Why the hell isn't it working?

Rock Instrumental Performance: Peaches En Regalia - Zappa Plays Zappa
-Ah the Zappa family. When in doubt, give the award to whatever you don't understand.

Rock Song: Girls in Their Summer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
-While I'm not saying Bruce is washed up (far from it actually), clearly his best songwriting days are behind him. Surely there must be some other band to whom we can give this award to. No, we can't even completely fill out the ballot? Hmmm, I geuss we can fill death cab for cutie onto the ballot, make it look nice and full.

Rap Solo Performance: A Milli - Lil Wayne
-seriously a week field this year.

Rap Performance by a Duo or Group: Swagga Like Us - Jay-Z and T.I. featuring Kanye West and Lil Wayne
-Jay-Z, Kanye, AND Lil Wayne? How could we say no?!

Rap/Sung Collaboration: American Boy - Estelle featuring Kanye West
-Kanye is still gonna find a way to complain about not getting enough respect for his work.

Rap Song: Lollipop - Dwayne Carter, Darius Harrison, James Scheffer, Stephen Garrett and Rex Zamor,
-I refuse to recognize this song as existing, so there was no award given out for rap song.

Dance Recording: Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
Electronic Dance Album: Alive 2007 - Daft Punk
-Finally the grammies get it right. Score one for Robot Kind. (there's no sarcasm there whatsoever, Daft Punk is the shit).

Traditional Blues Album: One Kind Favor - B.B. King
-Hey look, BB King put something out, let's give him an award.

Contemporary Blues Album: City That Care Forgot - Dr. John and The Lower 911
-Why didn't John Mayer win?

Contemporary Jazz Album: Randy in Brasil - Randy Brecker
-The Brecker brothers actually aren't that bad, but there's not much to say awesomely about them either.

Jazz Vocal Album: Loverly - Cassandra Wilson
-Hah, Jazz Vocals. Wait, seriously? Jazz doen't have vocals, except maybe scat (yeah, that's right, "what a wonderful world" isn't jazz, woah, I just blew your mind because I halved your knowledge of jazz.)

Jazz Instrumental Solo: BE-BOP - Terence Blanchard
-so in other words, best Jazz.

Jazz Instrumental Album Individual or Group: The New Crystal Silence - Chick Corea and Gary Burton
-I'm curious to know what this has to do with Scientology.

Large Jazz Ensemble Album: Monday Night Live at the Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra
-I'm assumming Monday Night Live is like Monday Night Football for jazz freaks.

Traditional Folk Album: At 89 - Pete Seeger
-Not actually Bob Seger's dad (see, last name spelled differently) but he's still pretty damn old. Old people deserve awards.

Contemporary Folk/Americana Album: Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss (Rounder)
-Seriously, when you guys going on tour?

Native American Music Album: Come to Me Great Mystery: Native American Healing Songs - Various Artists)
-Best pan flute solo of the year. keeps the guinea pigs away.

Hawaiian Music Album: Ikena - Tia Carrere and Daniel Ho
-Holy Shit, the hot asian chick from Wayne's World made an album? (yes, that actually is her)

Zydeco or Cajun Music Album - Live at the 2008 New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival - BeauSoleil and Michael Doucet
-Best Zydeco album has to be a live thing at a huge ass impersonal festival?

Engineering Album, Classical: Traditions and Transformations: Sounds of Silk Road Chicago - David Frost, Tom Lazarus and Christopher Willis
-I have no idea what any of that means.

Reggae Album: Jah Is Real - Burning Spear
-Wait, why can't Jason Mraz win this?

Traditional World Music Album: Ilembe: Honoring Shaka Zulu - Ladysmith Black Mambazo
-I have no ill towards Ladysmith Black Mambazo at all. In addition to having the most awesome AND most badass name ever, they pretty much inspired the intro to that one song from the Lion King soundtrack, and we all know how much those 45 seconds rocl.

Contemporary World Music Album: Global Drum Project - Mickey Hart, Zakir Hussain, Sikiru Adepoju and Giovanni Hidalgo
-Global Drum Project? That name wreaks of drum circle-isms. Damnit, why did hippies have to get old enough to give themselves awards? We all know there's only one thing a group of people should do in a circle, and it aint playing the drums.

Compilation Soundtrack Album for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Juno - Various Artists
-Wasn't this movie from like more than a year ago? Oh well, at least Mamma Mia! and Sweeney Todd lost. My god the music from those two movies was awful. Pierce Brosnan should never be allowed to sing ever, and Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct a musical again ever. ... wait. make that Tim Burton should never be allowed to direct again.

Score Soundtrack Album for Motion Television or Other Visual Media: The Dark Knight
-Good soundtrack, so I can't really complain. Just thought the soundtracks of Iron Man and There Will Be Blood were better.

Polka Album: Let the Whole World Sing - Jimmy Sturr and His Orchestra
-The music community needs more songs in 2/4 time. seriously.

Classical Album: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
uhhh ok

Song Written for Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media: Down to Earth - WALL-E - Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman, Musical Show Album: In the Heights - Kurt Deutsch, Alex Lacamoire, Andres Levin, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Joel Moss and Bill Sherman, producers; Lin-Manuel Miranda, composer/lyricist
-Just cos the movie sucked doesn't mean you have to drag everyone else into it.

Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books & Story Telling): An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore) - Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon and Blair Underwood
-Will this thing ever stop getting awards? The funny part -- Al Gore is never gonna get the award he really wants, being the President ...

Musical Album for Children: Here Come the 123s - They Might Be Giants
-So They Might Be Giants is running for an award in a field where they're virtually uncontested? Can't we just give them the award like now?

Spoken Word Album Children: Yes to Running! Bill Harley Live - Bill Harley
-Sadly, for the past 40 years the award went to "nobody defeats the Grimace"

Comedy Album: It's Bad for Ya - George Carlin
-Posthumous award. Need I say more.

Instrumental Composition: The Adventures of Mutt - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - John Williams
-This movie should have been inelgible from winning any awards in anything, cos it failed at life.

Instrumental Arrangement: Define Dancing - WALL-E Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman
-Wait, Peter Gabriel agreed to work on the suck fest that was WALL-E? Everything I know about Genesis (both the band and the book) is now questioned. I might have to call the sledgehammer.

Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s): Here's That Rainy Day, Nan Schwartz
-pat on the back

Engineered Album, Non-Classical: Consolers of the Lonely - Joe Chiccarelli, Vance Powell and Jack White III, engineers
-Why is Jack White still making music? Am I really the only one questioning this? And how is it a supergroup if Jack White is the only one who was in a "super" band beforehand? The rest were either Detroit celebrities among white people or bottom rung indy performers.

Remixed Recording: Electric Feel (Justice Remix) - Justice
-Congratulations. You just got an award for doing what teenagers do to internet memes on youtube and ytmnd.

Surround Sound Album: Mussorgsky: Pictures at an Exhibition; Night on Bald Mountain; Prelude to Khovanshchina - Michael Bishop
-I'm gonna pretend to be offended by that album title.

Opera Recording: Weill: Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny - James Conlon, conductor
-Where is this city of Mahogonny? Did it burn? Can I burn it?

Orchestral Performance: Shostakovich: Symphony No. 4 - Bernard Haitink, conductor Chicago Symphony Orchestra
-BEST COVER BAND EVER!!!!

Classical Vocal Performance: Corigliano: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan - Hila Plitmann
-Bob Dylan is classical music now?

Classical Contemporary Composition: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems of Bob Dylan, - John Corigliano
-Since when? This kind of confuses me.

Short Form Music Video: Pork and Beans - Weezer, Mathew Cullen,
-Actually wasn't a bad video, considering the song sucked. Well it was Weezer, what did you expect? Actually, I just like the fact that it featured Tay Zonday. Now, if they could just get Tay Zonday to replace Rivers Cuomo, wow, I think i just fixed Weezer.

Long Form Music Video: Runnin' Down a Dream - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
-Isn't this song from, like, the 80's? Is this like a 20th anniversary video award? Did it take them 20 years to create a supplemental video for the song?

Recording Package: Death Magnetic - Bruce Duckworth, Sarah Moffat and David Turner
-Why couldn't Napster design the album cover?

Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: "In Rainbows - Stanley Donwood, Mel Maxwell and Christiaan Munro
-Actually this works, really well. It was entirely innovative, and it actually fits under both boxed and special limited edition package.

Album Notes: Kind of Blue: 50th Anniversary Collector's Edition - Francis Davis
-Giving a grammy to an album everyone should already have from 50 years ago? Come on grammies. Put some effor into it.

Historical Album: Art of Field Recording Volume I: Fifty Years of Traditional American Music Documented by Art Rosenbaum - Steven Lance Ledbetter and Art Rosenbaum, compilation producers
-Really? Like you couldn't give it to an album that you've forgotten and skipped over in the name of pleasing the record exec gods? Oh right, this is another way to please those very record exec gods.


And this is why the grammies are magical. They always find a way to screw it up. Oh, and don't think I actually watched them. No, I could never do that. I accidentally walked into the presentation for Best Song and had to try to make sure my dry heaves remained dry. No, I just pulled these awards off the internet from a news site, so if its screwed up, its their fault, not mine -- and no, I did not use wikipedia. I also cut out a bunch of awards, cos Latin has its own Latin grammies, Country is its own predetermined music machine, and I frankly think all modern R&B sounds the same.

Oh, and Best Heavy Metal Record Should have went to The Sword for Gods of the Earth. Or if it just goes out for singular songs, "Fire Lances of the Hyperzephyrians" video below.



--Knuttel