"... frailty, thy name is woman!"
[Hamlet I.2.150]
Why, Mickey Bay, why?
Overall Grade: F-
In short, the movie was too long, boring, unoriginal and unexciting.
There was climactic music, yet no climax. There was dramatic (written) dialogue, yet no drama.
Looking at the last two sentences, if that could be done, and the movie is still watchable, congratulations, that may be art, but alas, Mickey Bay could not do it.
In the end, not even Megan Fox running in slow motion from explosions in a tight, low cut shirt could save this movie.
The movie was about 2.5 hours long, and yet it had no coherent plot or storyline. From what I gather, there were about 5 or 6 storylines, yet none of them actually seem to dovetail into each other. Any transitions are clearly covered up in the ploy of deus ex machina. Oh yeah, that's right; the 2 and a half hour Mickey Bay suckfest contained no actual climax.
How are these transformers going back and forth between earth and their home planet so quickly and easily? Especially since most of them don't fly. How are they hacking into satelites so easily? If they can just merge with other machines, why don't they? Or why do they only have two shapes to transform between? Are there 18 wheel trucks on cybertron?
Ok, getting past that -- What's up with the comic relief robots? I found them just annoying. During the course of a 2.5 hour movie, i didn't see fit the need to decipher everything that was shredded up to sound like a robot. How did the other robots get so much inflection in their voice boxes? It seemed like every robot that wasn't cracking wise was trying to deliver a monologue about a lost childhood or something.
And what was the deal with the decepticon college girl? Am I to believe they created her years ago so she could go to school and attend a prestigious east coast university? I also found it odd her relentless pursuit of Shia Labeouf. A girl that attractive would just move on, one would think, especially if he was just writing symbols the whole time.
I often imagine what it looks like when Mickey Bay tried writing it.
"OMG, it's Shia Labeouf, I remember you from "Even Stevens". Weren't you in Holes too? How about you penetrate some of my holes..."
"Umm no, sorry, I'm busy writing down all these symbols I don't understand to creep out my roommate, I'm also obsessing over Megan Fox, so yeah"
"Is this about your car throwing up on me? Cos I'm cool with that."
"Um no, I just don't like you at all, I want you to leave."
"Ok, I'll just rape you instead."
-- Little did Shia know that she was just a robot who looked like a hot girl, like that chick from Terminator 3: Rise of the machines. She should also have a hot robot tongue for when I try making out with her. Wait, you mean she's not actually a robot, just an actress? Fuck, this writing thing is hard. Note to self, hire someone else to write this movie, but try and keep this scene. Another note to self, delete this, but later, you have some explosions to edit.
Which brings me to the explosions. They looked way too planned and simultaneous for a warzone type atmosphere.
Why all of the slo mo? Why all of the spinning? Who is actually responsible for the cinemetography?
Are Shia Lebeouf's parents there for any reason at all? They seemed to have somewhat of a minor part in the first movie, but here they just seemed tagged on. Cameos would've been fine.
The one question that still surrounds me the most is : Why was this movie made?
-- Knuttel
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