Covering Up My Dirty Past

I recently conducted an excavation and extraction of certain items from my closet in order to clear up space.

You see, I had this gi-hugic container taking up waaay too much floorspace.

So I tore it apart, mining only ore, and smelting it to get rid of all the useless impurities.

Thus I am left with the metal of my middle school and high school years (even my freshman year of college) (1995/6/7ish - 2005). For the record, what I refer to as middle school actually begins in 4th grade (most of the stuff I found was actually 6 onward btw) as it was a school that went from Pre-K to 8th, but I transferred into in 4th grade.

So what makes the Knuttel of these years?

Well, first off, I think it's safe to say I was largely an outcast for most of my middle school years. There were a variety of factors to this, but that's irrelevant. During 8th grade I was comfortable there, but I can tell from certain things that I was still not understood as a person. Good times, where for the most part, what I had was music (listening and playing) and literature (reading and writing). So even though I was good at science then, and through High School, it was never totally recognized by myself as a passion. Oddly enough, my scientific interests of the time were largely creative, though I actually think arrived at independently. I found a book I used to keep in 5th grade that listed all my "inventions", which were really hastily drawn pictures with part descriptions, half using real and often incredibly simplistic technology, the other half using things you'd find in an episode of star trek. Needless to say, pretty much everything in the book either is/has the capability to be made already, or won't exist anytime soon. Not to mention a large portion of them are simply presented as concepts (i.e. the concept of a star ship, no really). Makes sense the science I entered college for was Physics (I think I wanted to do theoretical to boot), as opposed to engineering or biology/medicine.

The High School I left for was larger, and therefore less personal, and thus the material left behind was less personal. But it still appeared to be that guy -- creatively endeavored with an aptitude in science.

Sometimes I wish math never failed me (or maybe it's supposed to be vice versa, but whatevs).

Regardless, High School socially was exponentially better. And college seemed to run straight in. I guess it was kind of like that, taking 4 AP classes senior year (with block scheduling, so for one semester it was nothing but AP), it really was a college year in high school.

But that's besides the point, really, isn't it?

What is the point?

The point is the past is the past. All it does is create a foundation for the present. Besides that, it's already happened, and there's really nothing you can do about it. There are no time machines (not even in my little invention book). What's done is done, and deal with it.

Maybe I should've started in the social sciences/liberal arts instead of starting in physics, but it doesn't matter because I did what I did. Simple as that. I wonder if there are any people who have finished with a physics degree at the age of 22 having already finished a play (musical too) at 18. Maybe that's just an indication that I would've left eventually anyway. I would've had to make sacrifices sometime along the way, and given up on what had actually given my life meaning to that point. My early grades pushed me against the wall quickly, so I went to another wall, with perhaps the unintended side effect of not "caring" about grades, rather the experience of learning -- I ended up learning alot of what was not on the curriculum, following my own studies, while simply trying to maintain passing grades. And so I graduated with a GPA below 3. High School finished with 3.5 (well, 90).

So I guess the biggest question about this experience isn't really what to make of my past; my past already happenned; but what to make of my future.

What does the future hold for Knuttel?

Will he finally get in (and stay in) to OCS (finding out I was disenrolled from Fall 09 about a week ahead of time was a killer)? This Fall marks my last attempt to get into Quantico.

Will he return to school (and if so, for what)?

Will he find a job to pass the time and get seriously (and I mean seriously) back into writing?
-- If recent activity on the blog is any indiciation, this may be most likely.

Will he submit his body for government experimentation?

Will he join a cult, or maybe even become a cult leader?


I mean, really, the possibilities are endless. And I must say, it is both thrilling and terrifying.



if only

-- Knuttel